this is how i remember you now

Some people are afraid of being left alone. When the distractions disappear, when the room is quiet, when their thoughts are loud and deafening, that's the moment people fear the most. That's when the monsters come alive, when the scars bleed again, when the memories become too tangible. There are days when I hope that I am one of those people who fall apart when they are alone. Unfortunately for me, I almost always feel you when I am around a crowd of people. 

I see you in the faces of the people I see everyday. I see you in the way they chuckle. That snort of half derision and half humour. I see you in the way they look at me, as though it were your eyes staring back at me and not theirs. There are times when I wonder if they can see you behind my own eyes, the echo of a long forgotten shadow, with no shape or form, like the darkness that plagues the eyes that have been exposed to bright lights. 

I see you in all of my bad days amidst the mood swings and the angry snippets of words I throw out into the void. I see you complaining in moments of indecision and uncertainty, taunting me and lecturing me about how there is no such thing as "anything" or "whatever". I see you while I'm walking alone in the mall or whenever I'm crossing streets. I see you holding my hand or touching my back and leading me to the other side of the street only to be slapped by reality when I turn around to look for you and you're not there. I see you whenever I encounter couples holding hands while walking and I remember the way you would hold mine. I don't remember how your hands feel like anymore. The last time I tried to hold your hands, you pulled away and I remember how that hurts. Like knife through my heart, sharp and blunt at the same time.

I see you when I am in the middle of a crowd. I remember how I could easily spot you from so far away. I would know it was you just from the hair at the top of your head, the way you stand and walk. You could lose me in a crowd, but I always knew I could never lose you even when you are surrounded by throngs of strangers.

I see you whenever I turn on my laptop. I remember that your hands have held it once before. And whenever I think about that, I remember all of the things that your hands have held once before and I fall apart. Because you still have my heart. 

I wish I could say I am happy and that time has healed me. There are days when thoughts of you are kept at bay and away from where it can hurt me. But whether I am surrounded by a crowd or alone in my room, you are always there. You are everywhere. You are in everything. And all I want is an escape from the pain. I remember you said that you are happy now and I sincerely want to say that I'm glad you are, but I cannot go on deceiving myself. It hurts. Because the only person who can make me happy again, is perfectly happy without me. 

And so here I am. Surrounded by everything and everybody and feeling empty and lost. I am without hope. I know you are not coming back. So why am I still waiting?