12 September 20:24 2014
The scent of citronella was surprisingly
sharp on my nose. I did not think such a detestable, fruity, citrusy odour
could ever be quite so objectionable to my olfactory sense, but it does seem to
be keeping those pesky mosquitoes away from my lower extremities which, I find
rather convenient, much to my relief. You wouldn’t even guess it was coming off
a funky stick-on with an adorable picture of a red lady bug and the words “bye
bye” underneath it. The fact that it was a mosquito repellent did not exactly play
a part in me picking up the patch and plastering it on my shorts. It seemed
like a good idea at the time, until the ever increasing harsh aroma wafted off
of it and made its way up my nose mocking me and making me rethink the whole
funky stick-on idea. I feel a headache developing somewhere in the vicinity of
my right temporal lobe but let’s keep this thing on and see how long it will
take before it drives me off a cliff.
There really is no way around certain days
in a person’s life, much to my dismay. Birthdays for example will force its way
in your face regardless of how violently you focus all your energies into
ignoring its existence or forgetting it altogether. It will come around. Once a
year. Without fail. It has arrived for me today. I know I’m supposed to be all
happy and excited about it, another year of life and blessings – excuse me for
a moment here while I resist the urge to purge the birthday dinner my mom so
lovingly bought for me. I am not being an ungrateful brat. I am simply
heartbroken and up to my neck in sorrow and grief and no amount of chocolate
frosting could ever heal a broken soul. I am grateful but I do so hope that
karma would grant me some slack and just leave me be and allow me to revel in
my brokenness. Just for today.
I have to get up every day and attempt to
look alive when I am dead inside. It hurts all the time and I am not allowed to
show it. I just want to be free in my experience of misery. Dear world, just
let me cry.
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