pitter patter

What have I been up to?

Saving the world - one victim after another. Towering skyscrapers. Hanging by a thin web. Spandex, tights, and blazing eyes. No, I haven't been out playing mutant vigilante but grad school sure has its effects on my sanity. Literary constipation is more like it. In the name of higher education and gaining upper ground against the flock of mad young people in search of opportunities like me, I subject myself to scholarly exploration that aims to strip me off of whatever sanity I have left. The only real thing I have gained is the ability to put everything off at the last possible second and come out of it victorious. Not exactly the achievement I have in mind.

In moments of idleness, I lose myself in deep thought. The future is a very scary place and discovering what lies ahead of now is something I'd rather not think about. I am well aware that I am losing the opportunity to wade in the present as my thoughts constantly travel forward in fear. I am trying to be brave about the possibilities and positivity is something I desire to acquire. Careful and with great caution, I tiptoe and walk ever so gently, trying not to trip over anything. But does it nullify the experience of the moment? I suppose to a certain extent, it does. I am missing out on things I shouldn't be missing out on, simply because I fear what lies ahead.

A duck should wade out into the water. The shore is for cowards. Turtles go forth at the beginning of life. I believe I should too...

two

I love you.

In a crazy, inconvenient, can't-sleep-can't-eat-can't-breathe-without-you kind of way. It's like finding out that a cloud is a soft smushy pillow and I am hovering way above them. It's like catching Santa delivering your presents under the tree on Christmas night. It's like the Easter Bunny and a basketful of eggs. It's like all those Disney movies right smack in my twisted reality. You are everything I hoped for. You are every piece of childhood dream I had for a prince. You are mine.

Until today.

When doubts and troubles are clouding my vision. When decisions have to be made. When my worth to you is the very essence of my question. When I am unsure and shaken.

All I want is for you to keep me still and steady, a sliver of reassurance, and perhaps even a whisper to calm me. Maybe I am making a very big mistake. I do not want to let you go but right is right and wrong is wrong.

Everything is now hanging in the balance...