i know i am right

It is quite frustrating when, due to a series of suspicious events, things have turned rather murky. It would not have resulted to such if it weren't for your stupidity and utter attachment to idiocy. Had you been taught appropriately - oh wait, you have - you probably would have kept your hands to yourself. I suppose education just didn't quite have that impression on you seeing as you refuse to conform to good manners. The institution has failed. You have turned into a villain.

I really do not want to think so, but in my story, you are. I'm sorry. I probably am in yours as well. That makes us even then. You shouldn't have crossed the line.

the valley and the green

The constant hum of voices to my left signals my privacy as I, once again, refuse to turn up early. It represents an effort to put up a pretense of being surrounded when I am, in fact, alone. A comfort of sorts to say the least, lest I feel the urge to cower under my blanket and hide.

My eyes travel down as my finger flawlessly trace over that roll of spine I so often make use of. Manipulation is a necessity and I somehow felt a tinge of regret at the things I have gathered. Suddenly, the valley has erupted like an optical illusion from around me, its vast expanse drowning me into its depths and my mind went a whirl. The green isn't a feeling I would like to visit. I believe no one does. It is a suffocating and horrid a place to hang around in. This is the place where people often forget and become blinded with the things they think they see.

I looked away and envisioned a place of contentment but the colour lingered and the feeling remained. I believe that despite the odds, I haven't gotten this far to simply be discouraged - not now. There are far more fruitful things up ahead.

I can never be too sure, but it never hurts to hope.

who says i can't drizzle seasoning on my white rice?

Early afternoons are especially quiet.

It has been almost a week since school ended for the semester and I find myself musing on solitude yet again. I have never seen time fly as if solid matter flashing before your eyes, opaque and tangible. Before I knew it, it is today and yesterday has drifted into nothingness leaving a speck that could only be contemplated upon. The future is unknown and we are all left wondering. Or wandering - as the case may be.

I feel a sense of urgency as I make sense of the web inside my head, trying to untangle the knots, unlock the bolts, and punch holes in its walls. There really is no sense in trying to wriggle yourself out of this pit because there are just some things that are eternally inevitable. You try acceptance but this often leads to screaming and fear at two in the morning - when the ghosts appear and all sanity is merely an idea. Keeping yourself from running about, you struggle to deviate your thoughts and find yourself slipping into the chasm. Comfort is a feat and fear makes it rather difficult to achieve. I wish things were simple and clean. We could all do with a little less mess and a little more order.

But what is it really about? Seasoning on my white rice. I defy normalcy.

fear

I hear the neighborhood dogs barking at a distance. A vehicle or two, speeding by. Faint echoes barely audible in the light of day where sounds are like graffiti on walls. Colourful. Chaotic. A deep swoosh overhead signals the flight of that piece of aluminum monster.

It's interesting how silence can move one to tears. There are thoughts we refuse to entertain and the daylight brings a perfect excuse to exercise ignorance. A piece of bliss. Escape is rather evasive during moments of solitude, when thoughts flow freely and feelings are unguarded.

How can you move a step forward when you know not where to step onto? 

happy birthday

I wish I could be like one of those extremely talented people who take snapshots of the generic, and turn the mundane into a masterpiece, and call it blogging. Unfortunately, I am not very good with cameras. The only thing I have working for me are words - which are pretty hard to weave into something stupendous, if you ask me. One day, I shall write something incredulous. But for now, this one's for you. It isn't wrapped in gold, just written sincerely :)

I stumble, I fall
Skinned knees and bleeding elbows
You took my hand and told me,
"Young lady, you should stand tall"

A tree is judged by the fruit it bears, so they say
I hope I have shown the world
The sturdy tree from whence I came

vee.ei.en.

As the cold morning approaches, I fight off the urge to rest my head on my soft pillow. I think of you and needles and cotton befall me at the exact moment. Your face, a perfect photograph inside my head. Words sharp as a scalpel through the layers of our fragile skin, our souls weary and experienced. I remember that tree.

We've seen the cloudless night sky, and the dark hues of a stormy day. I do believe we have yet to conquer our Rubicon. There are things I would be willing to walk through, an honest word and a sincere act - that is all I ask of you. It was never about the what.

I miss you terribly.

cleaning up the attic

Encouragement and support is a necessity.

People often make do with judgments and criticisms, especially when you're clothes are decorated with earth and moist. You try to channel what is left of your patience and tolerate being pointed at as an example of failure. You stand up, dust yourself off and try again all to no avail. And the people you expect kindness from disappoints you.

But you smile and wipe your tear-streaked face. Because you are the only person you can count on. And as much as it hurts to try, you do anyway because you know you owe yourself at least that.

Encouragement and support is a necessity. Even if the only person you can ever expect that from is yourself. Just as muscles are developed to its full capacity when you exercise, you know you are getting stronger with every step you take. And that, for now, is enough.

on resolutions and breaking down walls

I suppose there really is no way, or perfectly sane reason, for us to beat around the bush. The clock is ticking and that hungry crocodile - or was it an alligator? - will come for us soon. The thing is, lists exist not as a metaphor for something larger than life, instead, it exists to remind us to act. Soon. The grocery could run out of coffee, we can never tell. Not even when. So if you ask me why, now I know how I am going to go about it.

I may have a broken spirit, a broken life, I may be a walking conundrum, a breathing void. I may have chosen wrongly, if you may - probably done nothing at all - but, I will say what I need to say before the smoke blows through the keyhole. That is a promise I intend to keep. I probably will try faith as well. I do not want another year of regrets. That book, I believe, is filled to the brim.

It's glass half full from hereon out.