The last day of September has come. It's hard to believe I've actually reached the one month mark.
Looking back on all that I have written, I now realized, I have been keeping a lot of things in my head. The trivial and the mundane, sometimes even those that are too deep for my mental faculties to analyze. It feels good to have this blog as a medium for my mental flushing, an avenue of sorts that is keeping me sane by excreting all of the mental crap that is plaguing my stressed brain.
These past few days saw the first mental breakdown. Intellectual constipation. A disarray in the heavens caused a cataclysmic, cosmic effect that resulted in the absence of the great moi. May I enumerate instead? Good words are sucked into the great black hole and I have to finish this before midnight. Just so I can feel like it's actually a month instead of twenty three days. To build myself up despite this fake achievement. Let us hope I can actually remember what transpired the previous week.
September 24 - The rain decided to make a visit and tagging with it the cold wind. It was blissful at first but quickly turned horrific when thunder and lighting decided to join the group. My dog still did not feel like eating or drinking. She just slept all day. Worry raised to the power of ten.
September 25 - Errr.. I do not remember. Pass.
September 26 - Daddy and I were now into full blown panic because the dog seemed extremely weak. Because she hasn't eaten anything for days, tail-wagging looked like a herculean effort to her. I cried.
September 27 - Morning. We took her to an uncle who was a retired veterinarian. The sweet little furry darling was still too weak. We had to carry her around like a baby. She was uncharacteristically non squeamish. Afternoon. We took her to a clinic and the vet started her on intravenous fluids. It was a long night.
September 28 - I had to keep a close eye on her lest she decides to wrench the IV off her leg. She was very good about keeping her arm straight at all times. I could see she understood that she needed that to get back to her healthy old self. Fought sleep for a second night.
September 29 - We decided to take off her IV since I could see her arm was swelling and the fluid was no longer dripping. I did not want her to have to endure phlebitis so I took it off. She was eating by then and it was good to see her gulp her water without having to introduce it to her via a dropper. We were relieved to see her eating a plateful of food and drinking lots of fluids.
September 30 - Prepositionally challenged day. Speaking like a jungle person. Jungle person now need sleep. Jungle person say goodnight.
Jungle person log off.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
baby
At twenty-something, I haven't yet thought about parenting. Despite discussing future plans about marriage with ze boyfriend, I've always thought kids were an idea never to be discussed except when they actually happen. I do love babies. Babies. Pudgy cheeks and cherubic features that smile and need not be fed or changed. The kind that you could borrow for a couple of hours, something that can be returned to the person who spawned it when it poops. So you see, I am not ready to parent a tiny, screaming, high-maintenance infant yet. I still need parenting myself. As to why I thought I could handle a dog is still a mystery to me.
Five years ago, sophomore year in college, a close friend asked if I would be willing to adopt a dog. Because I had cared for a cat when I was younger, I thought caring for a dog would be the same. Feed it, bathe it, a little pat now and then and that's it. Only a few months after did I realize what a big responsibility it was to take care of something so fragile as a pup. I expected my Mother to take care of the darling little thing since I always had school work to finish. Oh boy. When your parents teach you responsibility, they teach you responsibility. There were times when I'd come home from the hospital late at night, folders bulging with things I needed to finish by dawn, that Mum covered for me.
For someone who has always been cared for, caring for something besides myself felt like a chore. Like doing the dishes and sweeping the floors. It was hard work. It felt like hard work. A year passed and the sweet little pup grew big enough that I couldn't lift her without breaking my spine. Because she dislikes bathing, I always had to carry her around when it was time to clean her up. It was then that Mum decided I needed help. It did not even take a year for us before we felt like we had another member of the family. A baby.
She has always been there for me, an unfailing support system that kept me sane. Someone I could confide in without fear of ridicule. Someone who loves me unconditionally. She sleeps when I sleep, eat when I eat, do everything I do. Like a shadow. Like an extension of myself, an extension of my personality. She is spoiled rotten and given everything she wants. She hates dog food and prefers human food instead. She loves ice cream and cake frosting. She adores meat too. She has sole ownership of the couch and she knows when to demand that we take things off her territory. She knows how to ask for attention too.
This afternoon, I noticed she wasn't in her best mood. I don't think she is feeling as fit as a fiddle as of a while back. Mother's instinct, you know. Now I am worried sick. I hope it's not a tummy bug or something. She doesn't have fever and she seems to be sleeping soundly. Tongue out, she's sprawled over her favorite place. Beside me. I think I'd stay up late. Just to watch her breathe. In case she would ask for anything, ya know. I really hope - and pray - she'll be okay and back to barking at new things by tomorrow. Yes, that's her and Mums legs. Haha.
Five years ago, sophomore year in college, a close friend asked if I would be willing to adopt a dog. Because I had cared for a cat when I was younger, I thought caring for a dog would be the same. Feed it, bathe it, a little pat now and then and that's it. Only a few months after did I realize what a big responsibility it was to take care of something so fragile as a pup. I expected my Mother to take care of the darling little thing since I always had school work to finish. Oh boy. When your parents teach you responsibility, they teach you responsibility. There were times when I'd come home from the hospital late at night, folders bulging with things I needed to finish by dawn, that Mum covered for me.
For someone who has always been cared for, caring for something besides myself felt like a chore. Like doing the dishes and sweeping the floors. It was hard work. It felt like hard work. A year passed and the sweet little pup grew big enough that I couldn't lift her without breaking my spine. Because she dislikes bathing, I always had to carry her around when it was time to clean her up. It was then that Mum decided I needed help. It did not even take a year for us before we felt like we had another member of the family. A baby.
She has always been there for me, an unfailing support system that kept me sane. Someone I could confide in without fear of ridicule. Someone who loves me unconditionally. She sleeps when I sleep, eat when I eat, do everything I do. Like a shadow. Like an extension of myself, an extension of my personality. She is spoiled rotten and given everything she wants. She hates dog food and prefers human food instead. She loves ice cream and cake frosting. She adores meat too. She has sole ownership of the couch and she knows when to demand that we take things off her territory. She knows how to ask for attention too.
dream home
It must be beside a huge lake.
The clear water reflecting the beauty of the blue sky, its floor tickling my feet and looking down, you can clearly see the bottom of it filled with underwater beauties. A fish or two would be nice too. A diving board at its deepest part would tempt me to swim to its depths and I would not know fear. The lush green mountaintops and trees covering every part of it, shadowing the blazing rays of the sun. The scent of flowers perfuming everything and every time I would decide to leave it for a while, I would always smell like them.
It must have a bridge. As to what it bridges, I don't care, as long as it has a bridge. It must be made of wood, dark and sturdy bridging two unreachable ends. The ends must be covered in a canopy of vines with flowers sticking out of it everywhere, of blue and yellow and pink, of all colors of the rainbow. A carpet of soft grass catching every tumble and fall. Because I am exceptionally clumsy, tripping over the smallest things isn't unusual. A carpet of soft grass would do the trick. It won't help with the constant battle with the vertical but it would make the fall much more desirable.
The yard must be wide. A hammock nestled between two large trees and a birdbath situated a little to the left. It would have enough room for a dog or two to run around without care. The carpet of grass providing us with cushioning lest we decide to take a nap outside. A picnic would be nice. Maybe every Sunday. It would never feel scorching under the shade of a hundred trees, with the wind blowing every now and then keeping us free from sweat.
Tall lemonade glasses would keep us refreshed all throughout the afternoon. Our hair blowing about in response to the cool wind, we would spend time talking about the most mundane things in the world. Time would not exist in this paradise. There would be no clock to remind us of what time of the day it was.
The porch must wrap around the two story abode. Entwine it in its beauty. There must be window seats too. Rooms must be flooded with light coming in from numerous wide windows. Beds must be made with only the softest sheets and a hundred fluffy pillows to lay our heads at night. In this place, I shall only dream of pretty pink and blue dreams, never a nightmare to wake me up at night. And when the roosters would call out reminding us of sunrise, I would wake up with him next to me.
The clear water reflecting the beauty of the blue sky, its floor tickling my feet and looking down, you can clearly see the bottom of it filled with underwater beauties. A fish or two would be nice too. A diving board at its deepest part would tempt me to swim to its depths and I would not know fear. The lush green mountaintops and trees covering every part of it, shadowing the blazing rays of the sun. The scent of flowers perfuming everything and every time I would decide to leave it for a while, I would always smell like them.
It must have a bridge. As to what it bridges, I don't care, as long as it has a bridge. It must be made of wood, dark and sturdy bridging two unreachable ends. The ends must be covered in a canopy of vines with flowers sticking out of it everywhere, of blue and yellow and pink, of all colors of the rainbow. A carpet of soft grass catching every tumble and fall. Because I am exceptionally clumsy, tripping over the smallest things isn't unusual. A carpet of soft grass would do the trick. It won't help with the constant battle with the vertical but it would make the fall much more desirable.
The yard must be wide. A hammock nestled between two large trees and a birdbath situated a little to the left. It would have enough room for a dog or two to run around without care. The carpet of grass providing us with cushioning lest we decide to take a nap outside. A picnic would be nice. Maybe every Sunday. It would never feel scorching under the shade of a hundred trees, with the wind blowing every now and then keeping us free from sweat.
Tall lemonade glasses would keep us refreshed all throughout the afternoon. Our hair blowing about in response to the cool wind, we would spend time talking about the most mundane things in the world. Time would not exist in this paradise. There would be no clock to remind us of what time of the day it was.
The porch must wrap around the two story abode. Entwine it in its beauty. There must be window seats too. Rooms must be flooded with light coming in from numerous wide windows. Beds must be made with only the softest sheets and a hundred fluffy pillows to lay our heads at night. In this place, I shall only dream of pretty pink and blue dreams, never a nightmare to wake me up at night. And when the roosters would call out reminding us of sunrise, I would wake up with him next to me.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
faith
Today has been utterly frustrating. It was one of those days that left me without anything to keep me busy that I resorted to enumerating the things I haven't yet achieved at this age and in this stage of my life. I look at all those boasting about what they had already achieved and their current status in life and it was something you don't want to see when you are contemplating your career and ticking off the things you don't have at the moment.
It took a while before I remembered something I read a very long time ago that never fails to make me feel like I have a fighting chance. The author wrote a very touching and inspiring piece of written work. It wasn't famous and I don't think the author had popularity in mind. It was something that was written in the simplest way using the simplest words. It sought to inspire and it did inspire me. It was God talking through a letter published in a local magazine and the message said something like: Stop looking around at the things I have given others. Just keep looking up at me. It never fails to snap me out of my envy and remember that I have more than what I want and even more than what I need. He will provide. I just need to believe in Him and believe in the me that He believes in.
In his name, I will push through.
It took a while before I remembered something I read a very long time ago that never fails to make me feel like I have a fighting chance. The author wrote a very touching and inspiring piece of written work. It wasn't famous and I don't think the author had popularity in mind. It was something that was written in the simplest way using the simplest words. It sought to inspire and it did inspire me. It was God talking through a letter published in a local magazine and the message said something like: Stop looking around at the things I have given others. Just keep looking up at me. It never fails to snap me out of my envy and remember that I have more than what I want and even more than what I need. He will provide. I just need to believe in Him and believe in the me that He believes in.
In his name, I will push through.
Monday, September 21, 2009
waterworld
I had planned to immortalize yesterdays excursion into a blog post but as it turned out, all I had in me was a sentence. I was too tired and too sleepy that I could not even think of anything but my bed and how comfortable it looked to my aching muscles.
You see, the family went to a resort to celebrate our cousin's ninth birthday. I did not plan on swimming my ass off but the pool water looked extremely tempting and very blue. I learned later on that it was spring water that filled the adult pool and the kiddie pool - which would explain how refreshingly cool it was. It was like dipping in warm ice. It was surprisingly soft on the skin unlike hard and salty beach water. After traveling that far and sitting my ass on the vehicle for that long, it was worth it.
We took tons of pictures, ate a week's worth of food, laughed a lot, and while the women gossiped to their heart's content, the men kept themselves busy with barbecuing that when it was time to eat, we were all famished that we ate everything with much gusto and without care. For once, ignoring table manners felt extremely liberating and fun. After stuffing ourselves we went back to the pool and while everybody who could reach the floor of the eight-feet deep pool swam like dolphins in a frenzy, I settled for dipping myself by the pool stairs. I used to swim. If you can call floating about the water swimming. After a drowning incident at a pool a few months back, I do not think I am ever going to attempt to swim anytime soon. I am content with just immersing myself in water.
After our last hurrah at the water and after the last few shots of pictures were taken, we all headed back home while the rain poured. It was just unfortunate that I had water stuck in my ears. This morning I woke up happy because the water left no evidence of its visit in my ear canal. It was quite a different story for the other parts of my body. My neck, back, arms and legs feels exceptionally sore and I'm betting on this to last a few more days.
A little message to all of those stressing themselves out at work: Take a day off and spend it with family. It may be expensive and tiring but it's worth it and fun. Enjoy!
You see, the family went to a resort to celebrate our cousin's ninth birthday. I did not plan on swimming my ass off but the pool water looked extremely tempting and very blue. I learned later on that it was spring water that filled the adult pool and the kiddie pool - which would explain how refreshingly cool it was. It was like dipping in warm ice. It was surprisingly soft on the skin unlike hard and salty beach water. After traveling that far and sitting my ass on the vehicle for that long, it was worth it.
We took tons of pictures, ate a week's worth of food, laughed a lot, and while the women gossiped to their heart's content, the men kept themselves busy with barbecuing that when it was time to eat, we were all famished that we ate everything with much gusto and without care. For once, ignoring table manners felt extremely liberating and fun. After stuffing ourselves we went back to the pool and while everybody who could reach the floor of the eight-feet deep pool swam like dolphins in a frenzy, I settled for dipping myself by the pool stairs. I used to swim. If you can call floating about the water swimming. After a drowning incident at a pool a few months back, I do not think I am ever going to attempt to swim anytime soon. I am content with just immersing myself in water.
After our last hurrah at the water and after the last few shots of pictures were taken, we all headed back home while the rain poured. It was just unfortunate that I had water stuck in my ears. This morning I woke up happy because the water left no evidence of its visit in my ear canal. It was quite a different story for the other parts of my body. My neck, back, arms and legs feels exceptionally sore and I'm betting on this to last a few more days.
A little message to all of those stressing themselves out at work: Take a day off and spend it with family. It may be expensive and tiring but it's worth it and fun. Enjoy!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
stuck
If it wasn't for the water that is clogging my ears, I wouldn't cry like a freakin' baby without formula.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
finally!
I was supposed to grudgingly create another nonsensical post but decided against it a few minutes after I started typing the first few words. I only had about a couple of hours of sleep before the very warm air of dawn woke me up. I was too sleepy to even think of anything worth writing but I felt like I owe it to myself to make good on my dailies. It was then that I realised there was something odd about the net. It was as if a chorus of angels suddenly appeared out of nowhere belting out the words Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! It took all of my zombie strength to snap myself out of thinking that I also heard bells. The freakin' internet is back!
Oh yes, it's back!
Oh yes, it's back!
Friday, September 18, 2009
happiness
I was supposed to awake at the crack of dawn because the stupid internet connection is still acting up and two in the morning is the time when it doesn't get too stubborn that I am seething with anger. Now that did not happen. Yes, it's still running at the speed of snail but no, I wasn't able to get up because I was enjoying my sleep.
Last night was ze boyfriend's scheduled off and for two nights in a row we'll be talking from eleven 'til sunrise. You see, ze boyfriend is working in the country's capital and moi? I am living somewhere in the far south. We have developed a routine and the relationship is going strong. Unlike other couples who were forced to part because of distance, neither of us believed that it is a force strong enough to drive us apart. I admit, it is difficult, but it is not entirely impossible.
Anyway, despite my very good sleep a while back, I still feel as though my eyelids are made of steel and I can't keep my eyes open any longer. I need to get back to bed and wait for tonight when once again, I would get to hear his strong, comforting voice that never fails to exude the feeling that, no matter what happens, I am safe because I am with him. Five days of insomnia and very bad sleep is worth two nights of listening to him speak. Because I am sure that, a few hours after, sleep will be blissful with him in my thoughts and his voice singing me to sleep.
Heck. I am a lucky girl.
Last night was ze boyfriend's scheduled off and for two nights in a row we'll be talking from eleven 'til sunrise. You see, ze boyfriend is working in the country's capital and moi? I am living somewhere in the far south. We have developed a routine and the relationship is going strong. Unlike other couples who were forced to part because of distance, neither of us believed that it is a force strong enough to drive us apart. I admit, it is difficult, but it is not entirely impossible.
Anyway, despite my very good sleep a while back, I still feel as though my eyelids are made of steel and I can't keep my eyes open any longer. I need to get back to bed and wait for tonight when once again, I would get to hear his strong, comforting voice that never fails to exude the feeling that, no matter what happens, I am safe because I am with him. Five days of insomnia and very bad sleep is worth two nights of listening to him speak. Because I am sure that, a few hours after, sleep will be blissful with him in my thoughts and his voice singing me to sleep.
Heck. I am a lucky girl.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
slow
I slept for all of two hours and woke up around three-ish. My phone's alarm was set on vibrate and goodness, to someone who was still half asleep, it felt like the earth was shaking. I got up despite feeling the magnetic pull of my bed. I decided I could sacrifice another morning of blissful sleep if it meant relief from the warm morning air. I have been sleep deprived these past four years at least, one morning wouldn't cause the apocalypse. I drank my water, ice cold. It was good.
I was planning on writing right out of bed but the 'rents were hovering so I decided against it and waited 'til no one lingered around where I was. The living room atmosphere was pleasantly cool with a small-sized industrial fan keeping me calm and free from perspiration. I proceeded with reviewing the things I already wrote and decided to delete one post. Go figure. I'm not saying which. Besides, I don't think anyone is reading any of this so there really is no point in publishing the demise of one of my written works. It's hardly Shakespearean material. The world will live.
Fighting hunger, I resisted the urge to wolf down a chocolate coated, chocolate filled, chocolate cookie (yum!) and decided to wait for real breakfast food. I don't know how long I'm going to last knowing that a sweet treat is lurking around the house just waiting to be devoured. I give myself fifteen more minutes.
The tv was alive and a morning news show was on but I was ignoring the hum of enthusiastic voices, drowning them out with the constant buzzing of my thoughts. I am at a loss for words and feeling a little frustrated that I couldn't come up with something sensible to blog about. I suppose nothing ever happens at this time of the day so I just have to make do with something mediocre and trivial. Like that chocolate coated, chocolate filled, chocolate cookie. Too bad we're out of fresh milk.
Ha. It's just a little over fifteen minutes. I can see that my effort at trying to control my human wants are improving. I hope that my effort at trying to think of something intellectually stimulating to write would somehow follow suite. In the meantime, I can feel the sweetness calling me...
I was planning on writing right out of bed but the 'rents were hovering so I decided against it and waited 'til no one lingered around where I was. The living room atmosphere was pleasantly cool with a small-sized industrial fan keeping me calm and free from perspiration. I proceeded with reviewing the things I already wrote and decided to delete one post. Go figure. I'm not saying which. Besides, I don't think anyone is reading any of this so there really is no point in publishing the demise of one of my written works. It's hardly Shakespearean material. The world will live.
Fighting hunger, I resisted the urge to wolf down a chocolate coated, chocolate filled, chocolate cookie (yum!) and decided to wait for real breakfast food. I don't know how long I'm going to last knowing that a sweet treat is lurking around the house just waiting to be devoured. I give myself fifteen more minutes.
The tv was alive and a morning news show was on but I was ignoring the hum of enthusiastic voices, drowning them out with the constant buzzing of my thoughts. I am at a loss for words and feeling a little frustrated that I couldn't come up with something sensible to blog about. I suppose nothing ever happens at this time of the day so I just have to make do with something mediocre and trivial. Like that chocolate coated, chocolate filled, chocolate cookie. Too bad we're out of fresh milk.
Ha. It's just a little over fifteen minutes. I can see that my effort at trying to control my human wants are improving. I hope that my effort at trying to think of something intellectually stimulating to write would somehow follow suite. In the meantime, I can feel the sweetness calling me...
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
hunger
It isn't unusual for me to wake up in the break of dawn with the sweltering heat covering me up like a warm suffocating blanket. I have always preferred cold weather hands down. Perhaps as a result of having to endure the tropical weather all my life, I love what is inherently something I can never have. Assuming of course, that I have no plans of searching for it. I am not one to settle for something simply because it is what is given to me. I make do with what I have but I do not let myself get caught up in comfort when there is a whole world out there to explore.
I turned the computer on and to my delight, the net is soaring in speeds unlike the last two weeks. Unfortunately, the mmorpg I am addicted to, refuses to patch. I'm not sure whether I'm going to jump for joy because of the faster internet speed or complain that it hasn't yet lived up to it's normal lighting quickness. I think I'll settle for the latter. I hope uninstalling would do the trick. I'm not exactly a techie so I'm going through trial and error here. Work with me people.
There is something else that gives me strength to struggle to get up at such an unholy hour when a normal person would just snore 'til noon - food. While everyone leaves the house to work on their purpose - work or school - I get left behind because my purpose refuses to make an appearance at a time when I need it badly. Waking up at half past twelve doesn't make breakfast all that appetizing, but at four in the morning, when it is just being whipped up magically in my mum's kitchen, the food tastes just right. Warm and inviting on my cold and hungry stomach. I could smell the delicious scent as I type and it only heightens the hunger as excitement rushes through my veins as if demanding that I stand and devour the contents of the pan immediately. You see, I am quite enthusiastic about breakfasts. I don't think anyone could match up with my longing for it after hours of idling in sleep without food.
The desire that is harbored for a significant length of time, without which that satisfies you, only makes the pursuit much more exciting that when you could actually hold it, smell it, when the tangibility of it overpowers your senses, it is as if you could no longer take that feeling of accomplishment. For a second or two, you actually feel alive. Perhaps, that sense of achievement is what we're all really after and hunger is simply the device that allows us to recognize our thirst for it. Our thirst for life.
I turned the computer on and to my delight, the net is soaring in speeds unlike the last two weeks. Unfortunately, the mmorpg I am addicted to, refuses to patch. I'm not sure whether I'm going to jump for joy because of the faster internet speed or complain that it hasn't yet lived up to it's normal lighting quickness. I think I'll settle for the latter. I hope uninstalling would do the trick. I'm not exactly a techie so I'm going through trial and error here. Work with me people.
There is something else that gives me strength to struggle to get up at such an unholy hour when a normal person would just snore 'til noon - food. While everyone leaves the house to work on their purpose - work or school - I get left behind because my purpose refuses to make an appearance at a time when I need it badly. Waking up at half past twelve doesn't make breakfast all that appetizing, but at four in the morning, when it is just being whipped up magically in my mum's kitchen, the food tastes just right. Warm and inviting on my cold and hungry stomach. I could smell the delicious scent as I type and it only heightens the hunger as excitement rushes through my veins as if demanding that I stand and devour the contents of the pan immediately. You see, I am quite enthusiastic about breakfasts. I don't think anyone could match up with my longing for it after hours of idling in sleep without food.
The desire that is harbored for a significant length of time, without which that satisfies you, only makes the pursuit much more exciting that when you could actually hold it, smell it, when the tangibility of it overpowers your senses, it is as if you could no longer take that feeling of accomplishment. For a second or two, you actually feel alive. Perhaps, that sense of achievement is what we're all really after and hunger is simply the device that allows us to recognize our thirst for it. Our thirst for life.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
success
Social networking has replaced good old hanging out. At least, that's how it looks like to me. No one ever says "Hey let's go get a cup of coffee!" anymore. I suppose some people find it comforting though. I know I do. It's just awkward when you decide to show up at some shindig (whoever says that anymore?) trying to keep the subject off of "what have you been up to these past few years?"
People tend to measure achievement by the amount of time you've spent doing something. A profession perhaps. No one ever measure success by how happy you are anymore. It's always about how much you earn on a monthly basis. Six-figures usually define it. When you're just happy? That's when people assume you have been bumming around all these years wasting your life away and the statement "I'm happy" doesn't cut it.
Well. I am happy. Six-figure or not.
People tend to measure achievement by the amount of time you've spent doing something. A profession perhaps. No one ever measure success by how happy you are anymore. It's always about how much you earn on a monthly basis. Six-figures usually define it. When you're just happy? That's when people assume you have been bumming around all these years wasting your life away and the statement "I'm happy" doesn't cut it.
Well. I am happy. Six-figure or not.
Monday, September 14, 2009
fair?
We all know the world isn't fair. But sometimes, when you see someone living your dreams, you just can't help but feel resentful. Because you know, deep inside your heart, if you were in their place, you would reign and be the best in that field. I suppose the world is fair for those who can afford it. You just have to accept the limitations of being financially challenged eh?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
thanks
Because yesterday was my birthday, I was not able to take a few minutes to even come up with something mediocre to post.
There was no birthday bash of the year, so you can cross that one out of the list of things I did yesterday. Instead, I visited the dentist. It wasn't all that pleasant having to endure the news that I needed surgery to take a couple of teeth out. The tools were a monstrosity to say the least. The thought that the dentist had to insert them inside of my very tiny, very aching mouth scared me to bits. Seriously, the apparatus she had on hand could fix a tire. I breathed a sigh of relief after she said, "Well, first we need an x-ray before we can schedule the surgery". I nearly jumped with joy. If it wasn't for the aching, throbbing feeling in the inside of my face, I probably would have.
On that note, I'm going to start off this belated birthday post and say thank you to the Big Guy who have always been generous to me:
* Thank you for another year of life. Despite the disappointments the last year brought me, I still have to say thank you. If it wasn't for those disappointments I probably would have never learned the art of patience.
* Thank you for giving me wonderful parents, amazing friends, and the most awesome boyfriend in the history of forever. They make me feel loved - not only on birthdays - but everyday of my life. And that is enough reason for living.
* Thank you for keeping them safe.
* Thank you for the food that never fails to make a scrumptious appearance in our dining table every day.
* Thank you for the basic necessities that you have showered upon me and despite the everydayness of these things and activities, I thank you for giving me the strength to continue doing them all.
* For the chores I usually detest, thank you. They make me a stronger person and they teach me the importance of motion.
* For being able to bathe, walk, run, skip, hop, touch, hold, carry without difficulty and hindrance, thank you.
* Thank you for the small house that never fails to exude a sense of homeyness and safety.
* Thank you for the warm bed that I sleep in.
* And finally, thank you for the gift of appreciation and recognition. If it wasn't for these things, I wouldn't be reminded of how you are the perfect provider for a soul in need. Thank you for never failing to give me the things that I need, and the things that I want. Thank you for everything.
What are you thankful for today?
There was no birthday bash of the year, so you can cross that one out of the list of things I did yesterday. Instead, I visited the dentist. It wasn't all that pleasant having to endure the news that I needed surgery to take a couple of teeth out. The tools were a monstrosity to say the least. The thought that the dentist had to insert them inside of my very tiny, very aching mouth scared me to bits. Seriously, the apparatus she had on hand could fix a tire. I breathed a sigh of relief after she said, "Well, first we need an x-ray before we can schedule the surgery". I nearly jumped with joy. If it wasn't for the aching, throbbing feeling in the inside of my face, I probably would have.
On that note, I'm going to start off this belated birthday post and say thank you to the Big Guy who have always been generous to me:
* Thank you for another year of life. Despite the disappointments the last year brought me, I still have to say thank you. If it wasn't for those disappointments I probably would have never learned the art of patience.
* Thank you for giving me wonderful parents, amazing friends, and the most awesome boyfriend in the history of forever. They make me feel loved - not only on birthdays - but everyday of my life. And that is enough reason for living.
* Thank you for keeping them safe.
* Thank you for the food that never fails to make a scrumptious appearance in our dining table every day.
* Thank you for the basic necessities that you have showered upon me and despite the everydayness of these things and activities, I thank you for giving me the strength to continue doing them all.
* For the chores I usually detest, thank you. They make me a stronger person and they teach me the importance of motion.
* For being able to bathe, walk, run, skip, hop, touch, hold, carry without difficulty and hindrance, thank you.
* Thank you for the small house that never fails to exude a sense of homeyness and safety.
* Thank you for the warm bed that I sleep in.
* And finally, thank you for the gift of appreciation and recognition. If it wasn't for these things, I wouldn't be reminded of how you are the perfect provider for a soul in need. Thank you for never failing to give me the things that I need, and the things that I want. Thank you for everything.
What are you thankful for today?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
pain
I am exhausting all of my mortal strength trying to force this one post out of my pain-filled brain.
I know it isn't nice to be all whiny about pain when there are so many people out there struggling through pain that is much deeper than I am currently enduring. It leaves a bitter taste in other people's mouth to hear (or in this case - read) someone whine about how it is difficult for them to hurdle pain when a greater percentage of the population is battling chronic illnesses that brings more than the very superficial stinging.
But this isn't stinging. It's like a jagged knife searing through my already swollen mouth, my very tired body, and my sleep-deprived brain. A few nights ago, I was drinking cold water and was taken aback at how much pain such activity could cause. My teeth had never been extra sensitive to heat or cold so this is strange ground to me. And then last night saw the dawn of this overwhelming sensation. I just kept tossing and turning and my bed was a big mess of sheets by morning.
It feels like very sharp pointed stones are shooting out of my gums instead of a very tiny decaying tooth. I've never experienced tooth decay before. Like I said, strange ground. I am just going to stop here. I need another dose of pain killers. And food.
Dang it.
I know it isn't nice to be all whiny about pain when there are so many people out there struggling through pain that is much deeper than I am currently enduring. It leaves a bitter taste in other people's mouth to hear (or in this case - read) someone whine about how it is difficult for them to hurdle pain when a greater percentage of the population is battling chronic illnesses that brings more than the very superficial stinging.
But this isn't stinging. It's like a jagged knife searing through my already swollen mouth, my very tired body, and my sleep-deprived brain. A few nights ago, I was drinking cold water and was taken aback at how much pain such activity could cause. My teeth had never been extra sensitive to heat or cold so this is strange ground to me. And then last night saw the dawn of this overwhelming sensation. I just kept tossing and turning and my bed was a big mess of sheets by morning.
It feels like very sharp pointed stones are shooting out of my gums instead of a very tiny decaying tooth. I've never experienced tooth decay before. Like I said, strange ground. I am just going to stop here. I need another dose of pain killers. And food.
Dang it.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
999
Everybody's excited about today. If you have just woken up from hibernation, or have lived in caves this past century, today marks the last day of the repetition of single-digit number dates. September 9, 2009. Of course you can count on the next century if you happen to suddenly develop amnesia and forgot about today. But I suppose that's a valid excuse. Aren't you glad our generation was lucky enough to witness these anomalies since the turn of the 21st? I know I am.
If it wasn't for one tiny thing, I would be ecstatic. As of this moment, I have been awake for 24 hours straight. And obviously, haven't had any sleep yet. I hate to think that I shall, somehow, miss today's happenings since in about a few hours, I am sure to be asleep.
At least I got to blog about it in the wee hours eh? Have a great ninth!
If it wasn't for one tiny thing, I would be ecstatic. As of this moment, I have been awake for 24 hours straight. And obviously, haven't had any sleep yet. I hate to think that I shall, somehow, miss today's happenings since in about a few hours, I am sure to be asleep.
At least I got to blog about it in the wee hours eh? Have a great ninth!
fame
I have thought long and hard about what I was going to write next. The literary drought is starting to get to me and I have no idea how long I'm going to last ranting about the very hot weather or publishing my gibberish. I have this sinking feeling that six months from now I am going to barf at my shallowness. Oh, such a very healthy self perspective, don't you think?
Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
I have been told - countless of times - about how, as a toddler, I had 'begged' my mother to take me to an audition for a kid's pageant only to back out when it was my turn at the stage. Even then I was exceptionally smart eh? I was never one for those kinds of exposure. Unlike the greater percentage of the world's female population, I have never harbored the desire to strut in front of strangers who were chosen - as if by the gods of Olympus - to pass judgment on how I would look in a bikini. Except that one time, but you really can't hold it against a four-year-old you know. I wasn't introduced to logic then. I wasn't one of those who ached to act in front of the camera either. Despite my undeniable talent for the art. Ahem.
I just find it extremely fascinating how people today would kill for a lifetime of fame. Seriously, I don't find the fish in a fishbowl life all that tempting. But that's just me. Certainly there are perks to the life of glitz and glamour. The designer clothes, the expensive freebies, the luxury cars, the monstrosity that is your house, everything seems to be exceptionally sparkly and shiny in the other side of the fence.
But I don't think we have been missing anything at all. For one, the freedom that comes with being a complete stranger is not a downside if you really think about it. Getting your groceries in peace without those annoying cameras in your face, hanging out with your real friends, barbecuing in your front yard with your neighbors and waking up, hair messy, clothes crumpled from sleep, knowing that you don't have to look pretty to uphold your image. You don't have to think about how people would react to your choice of clothing because normalcy dictates that your comfort is your priority.
I really don't think I am an authority when it comes to the life of the rich and famous, because for one, I am not a member of the high society. I am not publishing a post that aims to judge their life choices and throwing a tantrum about how dare they choose to be famous. I am simply writing about how lucky I feel because I am a normal person living a normal life, away from the glare of the public eye. I am just writing about how it feels like to be in this side of the fence. Counting my blessings so to speak. Taking comfort in the fact that, I can take a walk in peace. Knowing that when I decide to walk home, I am going home to a wonderful family who loves me not because of how much I am worth, but because of who I am. And the knowledge that, no matter how unruly my hair gets or how ugly my clothes are, ze boyfriend will always look at me as if I am the most perfect creature to have ever existed.
I can truly say that I have never felt deprived in the sparkly and shiny department :)
Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
I have been told - countless of times - about how, as a toddler, I had 'begged' my mother to take me to an audition for a kid's pageant only to back out when it was my turn at the stage. Even then I was exceptionally smart eh? I was never one for those kinds of exposure. Unlike the greater percentage of the world's female population, I have never harbored the desire to strut in front of strangers who were chosen - as if by the gods of Olympus - to pass judgment on how I would look in a bikini. Except that one time, but you really can't hold it against a four-year-old you know. I wasn't introduced to logic then. I wasn't one of those who ached to act in front of the camera either. Despite my undeniable talent for the art. Ahem.
I just find it extremely fascinating how people today would kill for a lifetime of fame. Seriously, I don't find the fish in a fishbowl life all that tempting. But that's just me. Certainly there are perks to the life of glitz and glamour. The designer clothes, the expensive freebies, the luxury cars, the monstrosity that is your house, everything seems to be exceptionally sparkly and shiny in the other side of the fence.
But I don't think we have been missing anything at all. For one, the freedom that comes with being a complete stranger is not a downside if you really think about it. Getting your groceries in peace without those annoying cameras in your face, hanging out with your real friends, barbecuing in your front yard with your neighbors and waking up, hair messy, clothes crumpled from sleep, knowing that you don't have to look pretty to uphold your image. You don't have to think about how people would react to your choice of clothing because normalcy dictates that your comfort is your priority.
I really don't think I am an authority when it comes to the life of the rich and famous, because for one, I am not a member of the high society. I am not publishing a post that aims to judge their life choices and throwing a tantrum about how dare they choose to be famous. I am simply writing about how lucky I feel because I am a normal person living a normal life, away from the glare of the public eye. I am just writing about how it feels like to be in this side of the fence. Counting my blessings so to speak. Taking comfort in the fact that, I can take a walk in peace. Knowing that when I decide to walk home, I am going home to a wonderful family who loves me not because of how much I am worth, but because of who I am. And the knowledge that, no matter how unruly my hair gets or how ugly my clothes are, ze boyfriend will always look at me as if I am the most perfect creature to have ever existed.
I can truly say that I have never felt deprived in the sparkly and shiny department :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
book
It has been a long time.
I have not felt you in my hands, or caught your warm scent for years - at least, that's how it seems to me. I have not traveled through time or lived in a different century, have not met new people either. My heart is filled with such desire that I could feel the pain coursing through my veins with every beat. I long to feel you in my hands. I long to have my eyes travel along your spine and open you with much enthusiasm. I am trying my very best to live without a glimpse of you, but somehow, life doesn't feel right. Days are long and nights are exceptionally dull without you. I am trying to fill this void and writing seems to be the most logical outlet, yet, I only feel even more detached from you and every word is a painful reminder of your absence. Such sorrow is unbearable.
I really would not mind if you happen to fall from the sky, old and dog-eared, tattered pages and broken spine. I would not mind if you're new and well bound, pages white and reeking with newness either. I really don't care! All I want is to immerse myself in an intellectually stimulating you.
I haven't read a good one in ages.
I have not felt you in my hands, or caught your warm scent for years - at least, that's how it seems to me. I have not traveled through time or lived in a different century, have not met new people either. My heart is filled with such desire that I could feel the pain coursing through my veins with every beat. I long to feel you in my hands. I long to have my eyes travel along your spine and open you with much enthusiasm. I am trying my very best to live without a glimpse of you, but somehow, life doesn't feel right. Days are long and nights are exceptionally dull without you. I am trying to fill this void and writing seems to be the most logical outlet, yet, I only feel even more detached from you and every word is a painful reminder of your absence. Such sorrow is unbearable.
I really would not mind if you happen to fall from the sky, old and dog-eared, tattered pages and broken spine. I would not mind if you're new and well bound, pages white and reeking with newness either. I really don't care! All I want is to immerse myself in an intellectually stimulating you.
I haven't read a good one in ages.
Monday, September 7, 2009
walk
If only it was tangible.
It is a learned response I suppose. Or a state of mind if you must. Something we find ourselves in because we have learned that nothing good comes out of rushing things, doing it haphazardly or racing to beat the deadline. A shallow outcome would suffice - that's the excuse. Something to get you through just this once.
More often than not, we find ourselves unprepared to meet the tasks at hand because we feel that we don't have the necessary experiences. That our intellectual faculties cannot handle the demands, that emotionally, we aren't ready to face this. To face it. Now. We tend to rush everything in the hopes that when we get to where we want to get to, it will be smooth sailing. We don't, or rather, never take into account our readiness at the moment, if we are prepared or at the very least, expectant of the things we are to face. And then we face them. Only to realize that, if we had taken the time to just wait, we would probably be more than ready and maybe even willing to take on what we must.
This art is slowly dying. Stop and smell the roses, why don't you?
It is a learned response I suppose. Or a state of mind if you must. Something we find ourselves in because we have learned that nothing good comes out of rushing things, doing it haphazardly or racing to beat the deadline. A shallow outcome would suffice - that's the excuse. Something to get you through just this once.
More often than not, we find ourselves unprepared to meet the tasks at hand because we feel that we don't have the necessary experiences. That our intellectual faculties cannot handle the demands, that emotionally, we aren't ready to face this. To face it. Now. We tend to rush everything in the hopes that when we get to where we want to get to, it will be smooth sailing. We don't, or rather, never take into account our readiness at the moment, if we are prepared or at the very least, expectant of the things we are to face. And then we face them. Only to realize that, if we had taken the time to just wait, we would probably be more than ready and maybe even willing to take on what we must.
This art is slowly dying. Stop and smell the roses, why don't you?
Sunday, September 6, 2009
yellow
Because I live somewhere around the vicinity of the earth's equator, it isn't unusual to experience this kind of sickening heat. The kind that makes you see mirages on the sidewalk, or on the hood of your car. A cross between humidity and actual burning kind of heat. Like flames from a bonfire only ten times as huge and ten times hotter. Showering in the wee hours of the morning doesn't help - as much as we'd like to think it does, it really doesn't. You end up sweating two hours after you bathe that you'd feel extremely sticky and that, my friends, would only make you want to take a shower again. Not a very intelligent idea if you live in 2009 where water conservation is a very important international issue. Sometimes, I get all confused between global warming and the country's actual weather. Feels the same to me.
After two hours of pretending that the heat doesn't bother me, I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed myself a cold glass of mango juice. I have never been this wrong in my entire life. The jug was cold. Not the mango juice. I swallowed it with much enthusiasm, too fast, too soon. The sweetness burned my already very dry throat.
Lesson learned.
After two hours of pretending that the heat doesn't bother me, I rushed to the kitchen and grabbed myself a cold glass of mango juice. I have never been this wrong in my entire life. The jug was cold. Not the mango juice. I swallowed it with much enthusiasm, too fast, too soon. The sweetness burned my already very dry throat.
Lesson learned.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
leaves
I woke up late, beads of sweat dripping from my forehead. My back soaked and my bed a great, big, tangled mess. I have never felt this tired before. It felt as though I have been running a marathon instead of getting a good night's sleep. I tried shifting positions to no avail. The dream did not help relieve me of exhaustion either. I think I need to get into the habit of turning up early - which would be quite a feat for a night owl like me. I struggled to get up despite my body's call for a few more hours of sleep. It took all of my strength to get up, walk to the kitchen, open the fridge and gulp a generous amount of cold water. After hours and hours of struggling with the warm air, the cold water running down my throat felt good.
I settled by the door where the wind was sure to touch my face and play with my hair. It did not disappoint. It was pleasant. Having to sit here, nature fanning your warm face was the highlight of my suffocating morning. The tv - a comfortable blur of sound behind me, the music of my fingers on the keyboard, and the wind keeping me nice and calm - that doesn't happen on regular mornings when I am too busy to even notice anything. I am glad that today, I did. It was an inviting variety to the dull, routine morning I always have.
As I concentrate on the wind on my face, I didn't expect to notice such beauty in front of me. The body was slim and tall. Bumps everywhere and hands shooting out of it, catching the wind - something that I could not do. I was struck with awe. I expected it to cover me in the dark shadow. Instead, it was like a very big prism, reflecting the light, throwing it around and playing with the rays of the sun. The wind would constantly blow in our direction and it would bend in surrender to its force. But it was never knocked down powerless. It was challenging the breeze but there's nothing that the wind could do. Its slim body seemed vulnerable - breakable even. I never knew that such strength could be locked up inside something that looked that fragile.
But that was not what made me look up. It was its green glory that looked a tad brighter when the sun would shower it with its rays. When a cloud would completely cover the magnificent ball of light, it looked opaque - certainly, it was. But it looked surprisingly transparent when nothing was standing in the way of the sun and those beauties.
It was screaming in possibly every shade of green. Not my favorite color, but, surprisingly pleasant to my tired eyes. If I was talented enough, I would have immortalized this morning in a photograph. Unfortunately, I was not gifted with a photographer's insight - something I seriously envy in others. All I can do is write it for you.
I hope my words are enough.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
first
One doesn't need a purpose to write. One only has to recognize that the purpose is writing. I recognize the need, the desire, the enthusiasm within that is bursting at the seams begging my fingers to keep typing and my mind to keep thinking. I am not about to get myself into an obligation of writing for an audience. Rather, I am finally taking responsibility of teaching myself to write with discipline. To satiate this thirst for creating something that I might, someday, look back on and read. Without expectations or lists I need to keep up with, I shall write. Here's to hoping that I shall be able to maintain this fervor...
Cheers.
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